I’ve got to be honest; I’m not really sure what to do with the heat and sunshine today. I’m not sure what to do about the fact that I can sit in my backyard and NOT get mobbed by mosquitoes. Or that I’ve once again gravitated toward cold beverages. Or that it’s ok for me to forget my umbrella.
I’ve been down a lot lately, and I couldn’t figure out why. I have a history of melancholy – not really depression, sort of depression lite, maybe. I get bummed out and mope around for a while and then I sleep and generally I’m fine. I usually can’t actively identify the cause but generally it’s stress of some kind, or the weather, or disappointment that my life isn’t the adventure I always hoped it’d be after reading so many fantasy novels growing up.
Either way. For those of you who don’t live in Connecticut, you may not know that it’s pretty much been raining here since early June. Recently, the rain hasn’t even done anything to mitigate the heat. My windows have been steamed up every day from the hot, wet outside meeting the glass that’s cooled from the inside. It’s been like living in Portland OR except without good public transport or a thriving arts community.
For weeks I’ve been depressed. I was chalking it up to my job, because that’s been a bit stressful lately. Six months after coming on board (and going through a gigantic rebrand as part of my division being bought away from my old employer and integrated with the new owner), my boss just recently realized that I was never treated as a new employee. Not that I really blame him – rebrand had to get done, and there wasn’t time to make me “part of the family” – we all had to show up with our running shoes on and get moving. But it certainly made it a bit hard to know where I was going without ever having really been integrated. I think I’ve done pretty well getting my job done, especially since I was relatively new to my department when the acquisition happened, so on top of being new to the company and never treated that way, I was also new to the job itself, and likewise didn’t really get that consideration.
Luckily, I’m a good learner, and I’ve gotten through okay. But the stress of being in a situation like that can be wearing. I’m thankful to have an understanding guy and an adorable dog and a cat who likes to cuddle all at home to help me shoo away the stress of a day, but overload happens.
Lately, though, the job hasn’t been that bad, but I’ve still been barely dragging myself out of bed every morning. It wasn’t until yesterday that I figured out why: the rain.
I’ve been pretty much living in my rain boots (those Tretorn wellies were an impulse buy but SUCH A GOOD IDEA), to the point where my coworkers are surprised if I don’t have them. It’s been raining all over my fine hair, making it look like ass. The humidity is making my naturally oily skin look oilier faster (this won’t bother me when I’m 50 and look like I’m in my late thirties, but right now, god damn it).
Yesterday was Saturday. There was no job stress, there was nothing much to do; it was a day blissfully empty of responsibility, free of schedules, and yet I was barely able to move. I took the dog out for a walk to try to shake the blues and whenever he stopped, I was mobbed by biting insects. There was a drizzle so fine it was more like a migrating cloud of mist, so I said goodbye to my blowout pretty quickly and resigned myself to looking damp and unkempt. I realized that it’s been dark for a long time – dark at night is normal, but the days have slogged on, thunderstorm after thunderstorm, with small breaks in between revealing a sky the color of old dishwater. Matt was out most of the day, so eventually I settled down to watch a movie in a state of half-awakeness, staring emptily at the screen.
Today, the sun came out. I have to actually water the plants. I had to change my shirt not because it was damp from the mist-cloud but because I sweated on this morning’s walk. I thought about complaining about how hot it is, but screw that. It’s sunny, and it’s healing. It feels like summer for the first time this year.
How’s the weather where you are?